Songs, Memories, and Guilt

Yesterday morning at around 4am after I got done folding clothes and putting them away, I laid in bed and listened to old songs that took me back in time to my carefree days. With music, there are always certain songs that marks a rite of passage in my life. As I let the melody reverbrate in my ears, droplets of liquid traveled into the aged crevices of my face and in my mouth as I sobbed uncontrollably. The tears were as sour as the pain I was going through.

Enrique Iglesias's "Hero" made me think of when my sisters and I would go on one of our unpremeditated car rides and sing along with every word. I truly miss those days. I miss having heart-to-heart talks with my sisters. Now everything just feels so different and awkward. We'll always be family no matter what, but there'll always be that barrier that has been constructed by my past decisions and actions. Nevertheless, I am grateful to even have them in my life after what I've put them through.

Avril Lavigne's "Innocence" brought me back to those long, tiring nights helping my parents clean offices. I always had my iPod Shuffle and would listen to this song as I worked while my mind wandered and thought about him. It was hard being in a long distance relationship and I longed for him anytime my mind was free to think. Listening to that song now makes me realize how much I miss my parents. When I still lived with them under their roof, I took it for granted. I spent so much time missing my significant other that I never took the time to cherish the people that have worked so hard to make sure I had a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, and the comfort that any parent wants to be able to provide for their children. I was consumed with my selfishness and am a prime example of the well-known saying: "You don't know what you have until it's gone." I know that I have broken their hearts and their trust. I would not wish it upon any parent to have their child do to them what I have done to mine. I pay the price for it everyday. I reap what I sow. Being a parent myself now, I understand why they have forgiven me. No matter what, a parent will always love their child unconditionally for they are the center of our universes.

Then I listened to Taylor Swift's "Innocent". Now this song didn't strike a memory in my past because it's one of her new songs that came out in her recently launched album, but the words instantly hit home to how I was feeling. They tore through my heart and made the rain fall from my eyes incessantly. This song brought back the mounting wave of guilt. Although the guilt has always been there, hearing this was literally like rubbing salt onto my wounds. Here are some of the words that got me reeling in a frenzy of sorrow.

"I guess you really did it this time

Left yourself in your warpath

Lost your balance on the tightrope

Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?

Always a bigger bed to crawl into

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything

And everyone believed in you?

It's all right, just wait and see

Your string of lights are still bright to me

Oh, who you are is not where you've been

You're still an innocent

You're still an innocent.

Did some things you can't speak of,

But at night you live it all again.

You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now

If only you'd seen what you know now then."

-Taylor Swift

I'm not proud of what I did and who I've become in the process. All I know is that time is ever shifting and I am growing day by day. The best I can do is to make changes and rebuild those once broken relationships including the ones that are hanging by a thread at this very moment.

Dreaming of a New Beginning

I am currently unemployed. Last Friday March 18, 2011 was my last day at my previous work place. It was incredibly devastating bidding my members and co-workers good-bye. I've been working there for two and a half years now. I was there when we first opened our doors to the public. I've seen all the different staff and members come and go. Now it's my turn to go and it just breaks my heart because that place has been like my second home for so long now.

When I first ran away to live here in this small, barren town there was nowhere for me to go and no one for me to befriend. I felt like a lost, miserable lamb. I missed my family and friends dearly although I did not want to admit it to myself. When I got fired from the first job I had found here, I was extremely discouraged. I was swamped with depressing feelings. I felt like I did not belong here and that I had made a huge mistake coming here in the first place.

I applied for this job as a Teen Counselor, but instead the Director and HR Director felt I was capable of managing the front desk. When I got hired for this second job as a Front Desk Operator, I was skeptic of being able to keep this job. I wasn't sure I was qualified to be working this position. Everyday I dreaded getting sent in to have them tell me that they were letting me go. As time passed, I learned as I went and quickly got the hang of everything expected of me. There were many times where I had already gotten tasks done before my Director can tell me to do so.

As time went on, that place became my second home. I ate there, laughed there, played there, and worked there. Whenever I was at work, all my problems seemed to vanish. My staff became my family. Although there were many that left, I am glad to say that I was always on good terms with them. We were a team. We laughed and joked, but we also worked hard and supported one another. There has been many changes to this center staff-wise, changes to the interior decorating, different demographics of our members, and just the atmosphere of the facility in general as we transitioned to having a new Director. I am grateful to have experienced it all.

The members are the ones that tugs at my heart the most. I've seen so many of them grow up through the years. There were some that I wished I could've done more to help them with their difficult life and there were some that I'm proud to say that I've left an impact on. It wasn't easy always manning the desk and attempting to build relationships with these members that are usually involved in programs or activities. Nevertheless, I am so proud of them and feel like they are my own. I feel a strong protection over all of them. I was sobbing my heart out that day as their sad faces stared out at me when I announced that that was my last day. I attempted to deliver a coherent speech telling them that it has been an amazing journey being able to see them grow and for the to continue expanding their horizons, but I got drowned in my sorrow. That was the first and last time I've ever received so many hugs from so many members.

I guess it's so difficult for me because I've become so comfortable there. I know for a fact that I will never come across another occupation and feel the same genuine sense of being at home with family as I did there. This will be one experience I'll never forget.

Spaghetti Feed Success!

After the long day of work yesterday, we surprisingly earned $615.22 from the Spaghetti Feed. It was surprising due to the fact that we had doubts about the turn out. We were unprepared and caught off guard when our boss decided to bail out on us last minute. We had a crazy week preparing for events that we had to take charge of when our ex-boss claimed that she would take care of it all. I was most disappointed due to the fact that she promised to change and to be more available after two of our staff members decided to leave. Despite of all the shocking changes and twists, my awesome team has pulled through and we were able to acheived our goal of serving the youth with our three spectacular events this month. It saddens me because for the one year that I have been here, I've had the opportunity to know such amazing people and learn so many things about working in this organization. So many people have come and go in this one year and now it is the ultimate change. Regardless of it all, I have dealt with it. My motto is "You have to do what you have to do." With the many different staff members we've had in this one year, I've cooperated and worked with them to the best of my abilities. I'm the type of person that can remain collected and calm despite the chaos around me. I mind my own business and will perform my duties to the best of my capabilities. In work, relationships, and life, we all must (as Cornelius Robinson says) "Keep moving Forward."