Songs, Memories, and Guilt

Yesterday morning at around 4am after I got done folding clothes and putting them away, I laid in bed and listened to old songs that took me back in time to my carefree days. With music, there are always certain songs that marks a rite of passage in my life. As I let the melody reverbrate in my ears, droplets of liquid traveled into the aged crevices of my face and in my mouth as I sobbed uncontrollably. The tears were as sour as the pain I was going through.

Enrique Iglesias's "Hero" made me think of when my sisters and I would go on one of our unpremeditated car rides and sing along with every word. I truly miss those days. I miss having heart-to-heart talks with my sisters. Now everything just feels so different and awkward. We'll always be family no matter what, but there'll always be that barrier that has been constructed by my past decisions and actions. Nevertheless, I am grateful to even have them in my life after what I've put them through.

Avril Lavigne's "Innocence" brought me back to those long, tiring nights helping my parents clean offices. I always had my iPod Shuffle and would listen to this song as I worked while my mind wandered and thought about him. It was hard being in a long distance relationship and I longed for him anytime my mind was free to think. Listening to that song now makes me realize how much I miss my parents. When I still lived with them under their roof, I took it for granted. I spent so much time missing my significant other that I never took the time to cherish the people that have worked so hard to make sure I had a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, and the comfort that any parent wants to be able to provide for their children. I was consumed with my selfishness and am a prime example of the well-known saying: "You don't know what you have until it's gone." I know that I have broken their hearts and their trust. I would not wish it upon any parent to have their child do to them what I have done to mine. I pay the price for it everyday. I reap what I sow. Being a parent myself now, I understand why they have forgiven me. No matter what, a parent will always love their child unconditionally for they are the center of our universes.

Then I listened to Taylor Swift's "Innocent". Now this song didn't strike a memory in my past because it's one of her new songs that came out in her recently launched album, but the words instantly hit home to how I was feeling. They tore through my heart and made the rain fall from my eyes incessantly. This song brought back the mounting wave of guilt. Although the guilt has always been there, hearing this was literally like rubbing salt onto my wounds. Here are some of the words that got me reeling in a frenzy of sorrow.

"I guess you really did it this time

Left yourself in your warpath

Lost your balance on the tightrope

Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?

Always a bigger bed to crawl into

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything

And everyone believed in you?

It's all right, just wait and see

Your string of lights are still bright to me

Oh, who you are is not where you've been

You're still an innocent

You're still an innocent.

Did some things you can't speak of,

But at night you live it all again.

You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now

If only you'd seen what you know now then."

-Taylor Swift

I'm not proud of what I did and who I've become in the process. All I know is that time is ever shifting and I am growing day by day. The best I can do is to make changes and rebuild those once broken relationships including the ones that are hanging by a thread at this very moment.